There is just so much to grieve in perimenopause. The other day I was dusting the TV console and noticed that the cabinet below the TV was still filled with my kids' childhood DVDs and outdated video game paraphernalia. The characters of Tom and Jerry, Scooby-doo and Disney princesses peered at me from the dusty DVD covers. I thought of the movie Toy Story and imagined these inanimate objects feeling sad that they have not been touched in so long. I felt sad too and like I had stumbled upon a time capsule, which, when reopened, has a way of highlighting the sense that the objects were used both so long ago, but also seemingly just yesterday. For a moment, my breath was hard to catch and I stood paralyzed by deep sorrow and longing for a time that has passed by and is gone forever.

I didn't feel the grief to this extent in my mid-forties when my kids were pre-teens. Although it was perhaps nonsensical, I still felt in the prime of life with youth on my side. Fast forward five years later to my 3rd year of perimenopause, and suddenly everything feels like it is behind me. My body is telling me loud and clear that it has aged and no longer needs to be primed for reproduction or vitality. My body speaks to me through aches, pains and low motivation that seem to be begging for me to slow down. (This is a trick, however, because slowing down too much will generate more pain and more awful vocalizations from the body.) This time is a stark reminder of what is lost, what has faded away, and what has come to an end. 

‘Pangs of Grief’

The gut punch I felt when looking at the DVDs was what is known as a “pang of grief,”  or “grief burst,” and is a large part of this very emotional life transition called perimenopause.  What this means is that the natural brain changes that bring on anxiety and depression due to lower quantities of estrogen are compounded by the powerful flare-up of grief, causing women to feel ambushed by deeply despairing and complex emotions. It is so important that women going through this are aware of this heightened anguish so that it can be dealt with for what it is, and not misunderstood as a descent into madness. 

As a therapist, I have learned to check in with myself when emotions feel overwhelming and to analyze what is coming up because this helps me to manage them as best as I can. I can honestly say that on particularly bad days, I have to sit myself down to lovingly remind myself that I am in mourning and therefore need to ramp up the self-compassion and self-nurturance. Even more unsparing is the reality that all of our past losses will most likely resurface in perimenopause as old wounds are stirred up. It is the brain's way of processing what we have been through and what we are going through now.

As with all grief and mourning, there is a portal you will eventually pass through to come to another side. We might emerge better than before, re-define ourselves,  and experience life in a renewed and beautiful way. But in the meantime, we have to go through the painful process of saying good-bye to former parts of ourselves. 

A Path Forward

I hope with this blog post you are able to realize that you are not alone and your feelings are valid. When the losses hit you with a “pang of grief,” make sure you allow yourself to feel the feelings. You might need to crash to the floor and cry. And that crash will force you to rise up and move forward now that you have released the feelings. Identify your emotions when they are upon you. If you are feeling irritable and snappy, call out your feelings as anger and anxiety. But don't judge yourself harshly for these feelings, because they are rooted in losses.

Create space for your grief, which means you might have to slow down your pace in life and balance essential duties with rest and stillness. It is okay to mourn in your own way and it is okay to ask for help.  There can be a great deal of relief in talking about these feelings, so whenever possible, connect with others who are feeling and experiencing similar sentiments.  The most important thing to remember is to be gentle with yourself and prioritize self-care.

Change equals loss, and in menopause, change is occurring in spades. We can still age well and conquer this new phase of life exceptionally. But we also have to honor the aspects of who we are that are growing dimmer and fading beyond our reach. For now, the DVD’s remain under the TV, and for now that feels okay as I give myself the patience and compassion needed to help me let go and ride this wave of grief.